Didn't Particularly Care for the Guy, Hardly Knew Him...But I Buried Him Anyway
My father and I were not close. He never should have had children. He was simply unfit for the task of fatherhood, and likewise was an unsuitable husband. For the sake of brevity, I won't bore you with his back story. Mama divorced him when I was 6. Thus, my father and I were estranged for more than 20 years.

Now, Fast-Forward to October 1979
Sometime in mid-October of 1979, I heard that my father had had a stroke and was in the hospital. A few days later, a large clot careered through his bloodstream and knocked the poor man into a coma. He henceforth lay in a vegetative state until his body gave out in early December. I calculated at that moment that the disposition of his remains would be fall to me.

With an Itching Sense of Moral Obligation, I Arranged a Funeral for a Man I Didn't Even Like
I hardly knew him, and what I did know was unpleasant. I wanted nothing to do with burying him. Notwithstanding, nobody else in the family stepped up; therefore, he was relegated to the county coroner for a pauper's burial. With twinges of eerie feelings of obligation, I decided to arrange a traditional funeral, so he would be buried with some semblance of human dignity.

The Beginning of the Planning
I spent two hectic days exploring and pricing the local funeral market, cramming an education and learning a few life lessons. I ended up with estimates from four different funeral parlors.

It Was "Sticker Shock" at First
In 1979, an average funeral cost $4,790, which included the mortician's services — embalming, makeup, preparation for viewing, use of the parlor's facilities, transport of the casket to the grave site and limo service for relatives. There are numerous products to purchase, such as the casket, a burial vault, a headstone, a newspaper obituary and others.

Ho! Free Land!
The rare winds of fortune blew fairly upon me at that time back in '79, as my maternal grandmother owned an extra cemetery plot she had wisely purchased decades earlier. In a thoroughly uncharacteristic gesture of generosity, Granny gave my father the plot. It saved thousands I didn't have and literally made the dignified burial possible.

The Haggling
Each vendor furnished two prices. The first prices were given with the assumption that my estranged father had life insurance beyond the Social Security allowance of $255. He would have qualified for $600 in Veterans Administration benefits had he not been dishonorably discharged from the U.S. Navy. The highest estimate was $4,215; the lowest was $2,895. I had the advantage of not being emotionally distraught. When you plan a funeral for someone close and dear, get a friend or some disinterested third party to help you negotiate.

This Is Our Really, Really Best Deal
When I told the funeral parlors that there was no insurance and that I would be paying cash out of my own shallow pocket, they came back with substantially lower prices. Now the highest came to $2,975, and the lowest dropped to $1,300.

How Much Is That Casket, Again?
The priciest item on the list, for every vendor, was the casket. And one thing that stands out in my mind even today is that the $800 caskets were not remarkably different, at least visually, than the $8,000 caskets. The wooden coffins were the most expensive, followed by copper, stainless steel, and painted sheet metal.

I was not given a new itemized manifest by the winning bidder; he simply said he would do everything on the list for $1,300 (instead of $2895). His first bid priced the casket at $1,500. The new bid included the same coffin. I knew then that the funeral homes operated on mighty wide profit margins.

Online Caskets
Today, you can buy a casket online and have it shipped directly to the funeral home. By law, funeral directors cannot refuse to accept outsourced coffins or other materials. In fairness, though, you should at least give the local director the opportunity to meet or beat the price. It is often wise advice to not burn bridges with your local vendors. Who knows, you might need a favor someday, and you cannot have too many friends.

The Funeral Rule
In 1979, there were no rules or regulations governing funeral services and products. Consumers now have the protection of the U.S. Federal Trade Commission's FTC Funeral Rule enacted by Congress in 1984 and amended in 1994. Federal law requires all funeral homes to comply with the rule.

The rule addresses all the products and services offered for sale by funeral homes. They must furnish customers, in advance, written price lists for all available products and services. However, the rules do not apply to third-party sellers, such as casket and headstone dealers, or to cemeteries that do not have an on-site funeral home.

My Parting Shot
My most essential parting advice: Study the FTC Funeral Rule, print it out, and have it conspicuously in hand when you first meet with the funeral home director. Knowledge is power.